Last Monday night I was having lots of pain in my lower right pelvic area, right lower back and side. I assumed it was probably the chemo giving the cancer in my colon a run for it’s money, but the pain got to the point that I knew I had to go get checked out at the ER. After a CT scan I was told I had an abscess on my psoas muscle. This was probably caused by the inflammation in my colon from when I had the small perforation months ago. Because this abscess is close to a major blood vessel and also the colon the doctor opted to treat it all week with IV antibiotics and hopefully avoid having to drain it with a needle or surgery. This setback was not in my plan. I was suppose to have chemo on Tuesday which has now been delayed and by the looks of it next week will also be delayed. My human nature side is so over this and so disappointed that my treatments will be once again delayed. But as I try to predict what this setback means and how I am going to proceed, I’m reminded of what God spoke to me when I was in the hospital in Salt Lake City a couple months ago.
We were on a little week vacation when I started having severe abdomen pain. My husband took me to the ER and I was admitted in the hospital for 4 days with a partial bowel obstruction. The day before I was released we I took a walk around the hospital and sat out in a patient courtyard that included a walkable labyrinth. The labyrinth was put there by a local doctor who was also an ovarian cancer survivor herself. A labyrinth is a geometrically designed walking path leading to and from a central point. It is not a maze; you cannot get lost. There are no dead ends. The point is not disorientation, but orientation. It included a sign that encouraged patients to walk it and engage in prayer, asking God for answers to anything you needed. I simply ask God to reveal to me anything he had for me at that moment in time. It had been a very challenging week both physically and emotionally, so I was at the end of myself and just needed God to carry me. As I wheeled my IV’s along with me, I slowly walked the labyrinth and prayed. I looked up a couple times a few feet ahead of myself and each time I did I got off track and had to get back on the path and return my eyes to just in front of my feet. As I kept walking only looking right in front of my feet God spoke. He said I am a lamp to your feet and I always light the path in front of you. A lamp not a high powered flashlight. Haha, a lamp. Another words I don’t need to know what is too far ahead, that is God’s job, not mine. When I try to predict the future and worry about it, I get off my path. All I need to do is keep my thoughts on God. Put my trust in him and just follow the lamp at my feet. As God whispered this to spirit, tears rolled down my face and I repented to him for not trusting him enough. When we are in some of life’s darkest hours our faith is tested for sure, but what I learned here is that He is always in control and He knows what comes before us so we don’t have to. In really hard seasons it’s easy to fall back into our old ways, but if we turn it back over to God he will remind us of his truths and we can simply adjust our sails and get going back in his direction...Even if we can only see as far as a lamp shining on our feet. That’s ok, because God is directing our path. We just simply have to trust him.